Being an Internationally Renowned Woman of Intrigue was all well and good, but pretty soon I realized my clothes were clean and I was sleeping nights, and that just had to change. It was time to have a baby.
Unfortunately, while married to an abusive ass clown when I was Too Young To Know Better, I had a tubal ligation.
At this point? I’m also old. Secondary infertility squared.
Queue IVF. And a baby! Then, more IVF. And more Big
Fucking Fat Negatives. And losses. And heartbreak. It’s hard to describe how losing a baby, when you already have a baby at home can be so heartbreaking. You look at the baby you have, the baby you love with all your heart, and realize you almost had another like that, but it died before you could hold it in your arms. You wonder how similar they would have been. You wonder how different they would have been.
It took a while, and a lot of self examination, a couple grandkids (no, not kidding) and I finally was able to slowly, cautiously, move forward with my life. Desire Mapping was a big part of what helped me move forward. it helped me find other things in my life that made me feel complete and fulfilled.
As a mom, I traded in my clients for a toddler, my whip for a hand mixer, a dungeon for a kitchen and my vinyl catsuit for a pair of food stained yoga pants. I kept a few key tools of the trade to use with a number of favorite clients. Once my little one started school, I, as many stay at home moms do, went back to work as a dominatrix.
I also started working as a life coach. General. Sex positive. Occasionally as a business coach for women in the adult industry. But as I explore myself as a coach, I find the women I really want to help are the other moms. The ones, who like myself, sometimes miss that sense of pre-child adventure. The ones who were a bit of a terror in school and miss the feeling of adrenaline that comes from misbehaving and hunting adventure. The ones who were not satisfied to watch the concert from the stands, but found their way back stage. The ones who occasionally found better things to do on a Friday afternoon then attend chemistry. The ones who grew up to be very successful, but feel slightly suffocated by confines of societal success. They love their family. They love their job. They just also need a little adventure occasionally.