It can be really hard to ask for what you want. Especially if what you want is for your partner to bend you over, slap your ass and call you their bitch. But the thing is, if you don’t ask, not only will you never get that, both you and your partner will end up frustrated and trying in vain to please each other.

Since I know my readers are into a wide variety of activities, I’ll use something we can all agree on as an example. Dinner. We all love dinner.

You offer to make your partner dinner and ask them what they want. They answer – “Anything you want to make is great!” They are thinking that they don’t want to trouble you and that leaving it open with leave it up to you to pick something you want to make. They think they are helping you by not voicing an opinion.

But what happens is, you now have no guidance and suddenly instead of getting your errands done, you are using 20% of you brain power (or one spoon if you prefer) trying to decide what to make. Sometimes it’s easy. Sometimes you just grab what you have available and make do. But sometimes, and maybe this is just me, it sends you down a rabbit hole of aisle wandering and Pinterest browsing.

If instead your partner had said “I’m actually in the mood for some kind kind of comfort food,” you will remember a recipe you pinned and whip up some meatloaf. This still may involve a trip to the store or a spin through Pinterest, but with so much less thought.

And? Both people are happy!

Same thing with sex. If you play coy and say “a little spanking or something kinky would be fun.” Your partner is left wondering. They want to please you. They do so very much want to please you. I promise. While you are worried about what your ass looks like when it jiggles or if your boobs look good when you lay on your back, all your partner is thinking is “I GOT A GIRL IN MY BED AND SHE”S NAAAAAKED!!!” And perhaps doing a little happy dance in their head. They are ready to do whatever it takes to make you happy. And by happy, I mean come.

When you don’t give them guidance, they will be trying to please you, stress out about doing it right. Wonder if they are even doing the right “it.” You won’t get what you want. Suddenly you are having bad pizza for dinner. It’s still pizza. But it coulda been so much better.

But how to talk to someone about your kinks for the first time? I’m not going to lie. There is no easy, awkward-free magic recipe. It’s going to take time, patience, honesty (with both yourself and your partner) and sometimes a wee bit of wine.

  • Start small. Sure. In the end you want to live some crazy fantasies, but first lets start with a little light kink and see how that goes. First a small gag, then work up to pulling their cart in your full on leather pony girl outfit.
  • Take a class together. See if your local sex toy shop hosts classes. “Stumble” across the listings and ask if anything looks interesting. If there isn’t anything in your area, consider an on-line resource like O.school or Kink Academy.
  • Read together. Rachel Kramer Bussel has over 6o themes anthologies of sexy stories written by a wide variety of people with a very inclusive idea about what sexy is. Find a theme that resinates with you. Read it first and mark a story or two that you find sexy and offer to read it to them. Nervous about doing it in person? Call them up at work or when they are out of town. Reading erotica together offers a way for both people to understand that thoughts and emotions behind certain activities. “I would like to be spanked.” Is great, but reading a spanking story that turns you own lets them know how you want to feel when you are spanked. First, they need to know how you want to feel emotionally. THEN you can teach them how you want to feel physically. Those two are closely linked, but always start with the emotional feelings.

Most importantly, once you start the conversation, listen and ask questions and request they do the same. If you don’t understand something or you are having a hard time describing it, be honest and say so. They are exploring with you, so saying “I want to explore spanking but I don’t know exactly what it is about it that turns me on, or if it even really WILL turn me on in real life” is totally, and 100% the right way to say it. Need more clarification, ASK! The more you talk, the easier it will get. Be descriptive. And be prepared to listen to, and learn about their fantasies.

Good kinky sex doesn’t exist in a bubble. Start with your fantasies and have your partner add their twist. If they don’t have a twist yet, give them time. Give them links to stories, videos and pictures that turn you on. Tell them why those things turn you on.

You are inviting your partner to embark on a journey with you. This isn’t about a destination. This is about learning about yourself, and your partner, and creating some kinky magic. Ascendio!

Blog Comments Are So 2012!

I have turned comments off on my blog, and instead invite you to join my private women only community to discuss this post, as well as an other sexual questions you might have. Think of it as FetLife for women – minus male gaze.

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