Kinky Limits and Self Examination

Kinky Limits and Self Examination

Everyone has limits, especially me.

Contrary to what many think, sex workers have more limits then the average person. We have to look at activities, situations and circumstances and know what our limits are as we negotiate with our prospective clients. Sometimes we need to explore our kinky limits, or re-evaluate them. As sex workers occasionally our need to pay the bills will temporarily shift a limit. But would I even know what some of those limits were if it weren’t for having someone ask me, pretty much daily, for years on end, if I would indulge them in their fantasy.

An endless game of truth or dare.

So I know my kinky limits. I know that one of those limits is that I don’t do humiliation play with women. Of any kind. Strangely, those same humiliation games that I won’t do with women, I ADORE doing with men. Woman crying, mascara running down her face, my inclination is to help her, and stomp someone ass to defend her. Man crying, mascara running down his face? My inclination is to pretty up his lipstick, stick my dick down his throat and make him tell me how much he loves it.

In the Kinky Sex Tips For Curious Girls community, we are reading an erotic compilation called Anything For You, Erotica for Kinky Couples. One of the stories, Teppanyaki, written by a woman, from the man’s point of view, is about publicly humiliating and using his wife. In the end, she is obviously enjoying herself, but the story line includes surprising her with public display, her crying and begging him not to.

This makes me uncomfortable. I know woman have the right to be turned on by that kind of activity. I LOVE when women claim their sexuality enough to admit that they crave that kind of treatment. But I’m so wary of women being in bad relationships where that kind of thing happens non-consensually, doing it strictly for the man’s amusement, or having it done to her as abusive punishment, that I can’t even enjoy it when it’s written as fiction.

It’s my personal conundrum.

I think this is why I’m so drawn to teach about communication in BDSM and Kink.  No matter how good you are at rope, or with your whip, or with your hands, if you haven’t made the proper mental connection, you have failed.

Full Stop.

Submitting to kink that you aren’t totally into, because you are too self conscious to direct your top to your true desires is no better. Worse yet, keeping those desires to yourself because you don’t know how to start the conversation.

Conversations about kink can be awkward. Especially first conversations. Certain topics can make you uncomfortable. But those conversations can help you learn so much about your partner. Self examination about help you learn about yourself.

In my case, stopping for a moment to realize why I was uncomfortable lead me down the following mental path:

I’m uncomfortable because the story triggered memories of an abusive past relationship. It wasn’t sexually abusive, but there was lots of crying and begging. I just can’t associate those activities with sexy feelings. I know that some women would find that a very erotic situation, should there be the trust and communication to put such a scene together. Would I be involved if someone I was playing with wanted to experience that? I’m a vampire top. I thrive on the erotic feelings of my submissive. Would I be able to concentrate on their erotic feelings and let my past go? Perhaps experiencing something like this would help me let go of my past. 

Why does a certain story or activity make you uncomfortable? Is there a way to lean into that discomfort? Or is it a discomfort you are not ready to face?

 

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